Believe In Me, You Are Not Alone
by ExtinctionOfReality
Summary: ShuuRen Summary: Fighting depression...


**Summary:** Fighting depression.

**Pairing:** ShuuRen (kinda one-sided)

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings:** talks about depression/self-loathing, weirdness/abstractness

**Author's notes:** this is a random something I cooked up to get myself into the world of fiction-writing again. 'Tis the season to be jolly, after all. You can definitely expect many oneshots from me at this point onward. I will be continuing the ongoing fics that I have too, finally. Two of them are already reaching a conclusion, basically, after all...

About this oneshot...it holds nothing complex, at all. It was written out of the blue, so don't expect anything.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Bleach.

_**Believe In Me, You Are Not Alone**_

You are running, but you can't hide. You are falling, but there is no one to pick you back up.

And at some point you begin to realize that no one really needs you in this world. You are your own savior, your own motivation, trying your best to keep yourself sane. It's a hard task, but you somehow manage it. No matter how many times you fall, no matter how much you hurt, you pick yourself right back up again and continue your routine.

You have friends, you have people to talk to, yet... You can't help but feel all alone. Sometimes you wonder if being in a relationship would make it better, if the pain you feel would be much more bearable. You know the answer to that. Nothing and no one can heal this, but the pain would be much bearable. Some of the demons would disappear, but not all. And new ones would most likely appear.

But it would be okay, because you wouldn't be alone...right..?

Right..?

"Sempai, wake up!"

Turning on his side, Shuuhei muttered something inconsistent, his body stilling, mind easing and it looked as if he returned back to sleep.

There was a shuffling noise and the next thing the brunette knew, he hit the hard floor with his face. Hissing in pain, Hisagi grabbed his face in an instant, sitting up as he rubbed the aching spot, not even bothering to stop the curses that followed and, "Goddamit, Renji! Can't you wake me up like any normal person?!" he glared at his companion, who wore a goofy grin, holding Hisagi's futon innocently, as if he did nothing.

"I tried waking you up for the past five minutes, but I got impatient, so..." he threw the futon down and reached an hand to Shuuhei, "Sorry."

Hisagi was speechless as he stared at the outstretched hand, then at Abarai and sighed, taking the offered hand, standing up to Renji's eye level, "Good grief..." Shuuhei rubbed the back of his neck, "Just don't do it again, alright?" Renji shook his head and snickered a bit as the 9th Division Fukutaichou added, "What are you doing in my room anyway?" and he moved to grab his shihakushou mindlessly, still half asleep, but he knew he needed to look presentable.

The redhead shrugged, watching his sempai, "We agreed to go out drinking, remember?" Renji nodded at the window, where the dark sky was in full view and now Shuuhei realized why the room was so dark.

"Oh?" Hisagi's head snapped up as he remembered when they had agreed on this.

But...

Putting down his shihakushou, he strolled back towards the bed. He was going to break his routine, "I am not going today..."

Renji blinked surprised at the awkward and sudden mood change, "Why not? The entire group is already there. We were only waiting for you."

Shuuhei sighed, sitting back down on his futon, staring at a wall, "Sorry you had to wait. I really don't feel like drinking today," and he lay back down on the pillow.

The 6th Division Fukutaichou stood still, looking at his friend for a short while. Then, he sat down on the bed Shuuhei was occupying, looking at the other still, "What happened?"

"Oh, it's noth-"

"Tell me what it is."

"No, it's really-"

"Stop lying away from it and just say-"

"I said it's nothing!" Shuuhei snapped, glaring back at Renji, then he let out another sigh, turning back, "Look, I appreciate your concern, Abarai, but I am just not in the mood today."

Renji sat there longer, then tilted his head to the side. Something was definitely wrong with his sempai, he could easily see it. Shuuhei was always cheerful and happy, but this was...

"Okay, I am not going either," the redhead crossed his arms and flopped down on the futon. There wasn't much space for two, but it worked anyway.

Shuuhei's eyes widened and he rose up, looking at the other, "What the?!"

"You heard me. I have no reason to go if you are not there."

Hisagi's eyes stared in shock into amber ones, "Why is that..?" Shuuhei let out an annoyed breath, leaning forehead against his hand, "Stop acting like a kid, Renji."

"I am not," Renji shrugged, still staring at his friend, "It's boring if you are not there."

Shuuhei paused, then raised an eyebrow, "How? You spend half the night trying to hook up with a random chick."

Renji snickered under his breath, "Yeah well, not my fault half of Seireitei is full of big-breasted beauties."

Shuuhei cracked a smile and snickered too, "Yeah, I hear you..."

"Why didn't you ask Matsumoto out yet?"

"Huh?!" Hisagi's head snapped up and he watched Renji. Hell, the redhead was full of surprises today.

"...aren't you two close..?" Renji held a weird expression on his face.

Shuuhei sat there moments longer then shrugged, "I am not interested in her romantically."

"Oh really? I thought you were with the way you act around her."

"Nah... Well, I mean... Rangiku is a lovely, sexy lady and very kind, but..." the brunette scratched the back of his head sheepishly, "But somehow, I am not really interested in her."

"Oh..? That's a pity..." Abarai looked closely at Shuuhei now, "I heard she is very interested in you, sempai."

"Don't call me that. We are no longer in the academy," Shuuhei sat there silently for a moment, then looked through the window, "A pity I can't offer her anything then."

"Do you have anyone you love or are interested in...sempai..?"

Hisagi sighed, "Not really...last I checked," he eyed Renji from the corner of the eye, "Why are you asking suddenly?"

"I just want to know the odds of my chances with you," Abarai said easily.

Shuuhei's entire body stiffened...and he couldn't find any words to say apart from a quiet, "...what?"

Silence fell in the air. It wasn't uncomfortable, but rather strange anyway. Was the first time something like this happened between the two. It was the first time they couldn't find a single word to say to each other.

Until Renji broke the silence again, "So, tell me what's bothering you," as if what he just confessed didn't happen.

Shuuhei was still gaping at the other, gulping down saliva and he turned his head away, "Don't change the subject like that."

"Why? It's obvious the answer is 'zero'."

"Don't say something like that as if you are me."

"Then the answer is positive?"

"I don't know. I have never thought about it..." Shuuhei said truthfully, lowering his head as he looked at the floor, "Thing is... I...well..." Renji waited patiently, looking at his older friend, "...I never expected someone could actually...like...me..."

Renji held a pause for only a few seconds, "Why is that? I just told you Matsumoto-"

"Doesn't like me. No need to lie about it."

"Well..." Renji rose to his elbows, looking at Hisagi closer.

"You were testing me to see if you could confess, right?"

"Yeah...kinda..."

Renji and Shuuhei were quite similar. They could read each other like an open book. Honestly, no wonder they got along rather well…and no wonder they could look through lies.

"I like you, sempai," Renji decided to say, "I have...for a long time now. Don't say no one can like you."

Shuuhei didn't move from his place, not saying anything either and Renji let out a breath, sitting up completely, "Sorry it was so sudden. But please understand...that I worry about you," Abarai raised a hand to Shuuhei's hair, playing with it a bit before Hisagi pulled away from it.

"I'll...go to the bar," Shuuhei blurted out, still looking at the floor. Suddenly, a face came into view, concerned brown eyes on his again.

"Don't do what you don't feel like doing," Renji's voice was quieter and he cupped Shuuhei's cheeks, making sure the other was looking at him, "Sempai, it's not healthy to keep everything to yourself. Please tell me what's wrong. I will try to help..." Renji tilted his head a bit and pecked Shuuhei's lips, pulling away to stare into dark orbs seconds after.

Hisagi didn't push him off and neither did he say no. He just allowed the other to do as he pleased, motionlessly...but he didn't hate this tender sign of affection at all.

And then, a tender yet sad smile appeared on Shuuhei's lips, soft eyes lowering to look at his hands, "I don't like myself very much, Abarai," the brunette confessed, "In fact, I hate the way I am. I hate the monster residing in me," he nodded to his zanpakutou, "And I hate the fact I am a failure. No matter what I do, it's never enough..." Shuuhei didn't bother to look up to see if Renji was listening to him.

He knew the redhead was, "Because of my lack of self-esteem, I believe no one can possibly be interested in me and everything related. I never show any of these feelings on the outside, but on the inside... I am hurt, Abarai..." Shuuhei let out a breath to prevent himself from crying, "And all of these factors...depress me for no apparent reason to the point I don't want to go out anywhere...or actually live. So you see..." he looked up finally, "I am hideous," a pause, "No matter how many times I go out drinking, no matter how many friends I have, I still feel...alone," Shuuhei shook his head, "...it's better if I don't go out or socialize. Everyone is better of without m-"

Hisagi's monologue was cut short by a pair of hands that wrapped themselves around him. And at that same second, something snapped inside the brunette...and he let the tears flow out freely, leaning his forehead against Renji's shoulder as he sobbed, "Please don't pity me..." he said between sobs, "I am pathetic, I know."

"No you're not..." Renji whispered against Shuuhei's ear, kissing the other's temple as he rocked the man in his arms from side to side, trying to calm him, "I know what you feel better than you think," he suddenly said, "I have been trying to reach a goal all my life... But no matter how close I get to it, I fall right back down again," Renji put a comforting hand on Shuuhei's hair, "I have always been trying to reach the moon, but no matter how much I try, I can't. It's still too far away... In my free time, I do anything to keep my mind off failures and indulge in whatever just so I wouldn't think about it or fall into depression... It hardly worked... But you know what?" Renji pulled Shuuhei away a bit, wiping tears off the tattooed and scarred face, "Your smile and laugh... Our talks and just your presence... Make it all better for me..." Abarai caressed Shuuhei's cheek, "You give me constant strength to move forward without ever looking back...so..." he paused, kissing the brunette's forehead, "Allow me, or anyone else, to be your strength too... Sempai... You always look after everyone... It's time you let someone look after you too..."

Tears stopped running down Hisagi's face as he stared at Abarai in awe. Strangely, he felt much better after letting it all out...and having Renji to listen to him was the best decision he made in his entire life.

A warm, genuine smile appeared on his face, his eyes glad, "Thank you...Renji..." he let out, glad to have the other there for him. Renji grinned brightly at his companion, "I will take your offer... So could you unwrap your arm from around me now?"

Renji blinked, the grin disappearing from his face as he slowly unwrapped his arm from Shuuhei's middle, "...why?"

As the smile turning into a bright grin, Shuuhei stood up, "I am getting dressed. We are going to the bar, after all."

...It's much easier...when you have someone by your side.

_**The End.**_


End file.
